My private session with Lance to work on the song, “No One is Alone,” ended up going quite well. I had made sure to come to that appointment prepared. After working on it together, Lance asked me if I’d be comfortable performing the rehearsed song for both cohorts the following week. I agreed, although I felt apprehensive about it. In the year I had been there, Lance had never brought the two cohorts together to do anything, let alone watch a student performance. Things were beginning to get strained between Ella and me. She was starting to get annoyed with all the attention I was getting at school and I knew this would only make things worse. Leo believed Ella had grown jealous of me and even warned me to watch out for her.
Leo and I continued spending most of our weekends that summer with his family in Southampton. But for the first time that Friday, we’d be visiting his house in Manhasset together instead. I wasn’t looking forward to the visit like I had in the past. Leo and I had always shared the guestroom bed from the first time I had visited his home in Southampton. But something in Leo recently started to shift. He began holding my hand, touching me a lot when we talked, and had even embraced me for a time just before falling asleep the weekend prior. That had been the tipping point for me.
My downward spiral had begun. I was beginning to feel anxious around him and was unsure of how I could handle the mix of emotions I was experiencing, as well as the ones I couldn’t feel at all. I had gently asked Leo if we could begin sleeping in separate rooms, using his girlfriend as an excuse. I told him I didn’t think it was right for us to continue on the way we were while he was in a relationship, although the truth of the matter was that I didn’t actually care about the girlfriend at all. In reality, I was glad he had her around. I didn’t feel comfortable doing anything beyond holding his hand and felt relieved by the fact that I knew he could do “all that other sex stuff” with her. And everything had been going so smoothly. I loved Leo’s family. We were all having a great time together. Leo was my best friend in the world and I just wanted it to stay that way forever. Leo was beautiful and perfect and could have whatever and whomever he wanted. Why did he have to suddenly want me? I wanted to keep living this wonderful lie. And I wanted him to continue believing that I did have emotions, that I could love, that I could be someone’s actual partner in life, and that I was capable of intimacy. I wanted him to believe I was normal. But I wasn’t. Our relationship had been evolving and I knew the moment would eventually come when he would want more from me and now that moment was here. I was dreading it and knew this would be the end of our friendship. In short, I knew that I was about to lose Leo forever, so this trip home with him on this weekend in particular had an ominous feel to it from the moment I set foot in his car.
I got ready for bed that night secretly hoping that Leo wouldn’t knock on the guest room door, but then he did. He let himself in and was already sitting on the guest bed when I opened the bathroom door.
“Hey, can we talk?” Leo asked as he patted the bed, motioning for me to join him.
“Okay, but you’re not sleeping in this room with me tonight. We agreed last weekend, right?” I reiterated.
Leo smiled then added, “I have something I have been wanting to tell you all week, but I wanted to wait until we got here. Just sit down with me.”
I walked over to the bed and sat beside Leo.
“I almost told you in the car, but I wanted to be facing each other like this when I told you.”
Leo seemed nervous and excited at the same time. The conversation felt somewhat choreographed, like he had already worked it all out in his head. Leo looked mature, older. He took my hands in his, pulling me closer and began to talk slowly, wanting to make sure all the words came out in the correct order.
“Dottie, you were right to be uncomfortable last weekend. I’m not happy with the way I’ve been acting. I’m not proud of myself for taking so long to finally make this decision.”
Leo noticed the confusion on my face and began to clarify.
“Well, I actually made the decision months ago. It just took me way too long to finally act on it and I’m sorry for that. It was stupid of me.” Leo’s voice became almost as quiet as a whisper. “The truth is, I knew from the moment I met you. I knew that night at the bar when you went missing, when I found myself spending the next twelve hours searching the entire city for you. I knew when I couldn’t go home that night until I was sure you were safe.”
Leo slowly leaned in, putting his left hand behind my head and pulling my face towards his as he began to kiss me. It felt awful. There’s nothing worse than to have someone pour out his heart to you and you’re not even really there. My body may have been there but, as usual, I was not. I felt guilty and ashamed. I kissed him back wondering how I could possibly navigate this talk without coming off like an asshole. I was too afraid to let him know that I was a complete mess and not even worth his time.
“Why are your eyes open?” Leo asked, stopping the kiss and pulling his face away from mine. “Do you always keep your eyes open when you make out with somebody?” Leo asked, letting out a small, nervous laugh.
“I don’t know,” I replied. Everything was crashing down on me. My whole world was about to implode. “I just wanted to watch you,” I instinctively lied. It hadn’t even occurred to me to close my eyes.
“This is how it’s supposed to be,” Leo continued, his voice full of intention. “You fall in love with your best friend. You always hear people saying things like ‘be friends first,’” Leo said mimicking an elderly person’s voice. And you don’t really think about it because it sounds so cliché, but it’s totally fucking true. Dottie, I’ve never felt like this about anybody else. I mean I’ve never felt like I would actually die to save another person’s life before. I haven’t told you this, but I actually got attacked by some guy on the street that night you went missing.”
“What?” I asked.
“Yeah, I never told you because I didn’t want you to feel bad. I thought I saw you in the window of a strip club. I had it in my head that someone had drugged you and dragged you off into one of those places and I just went nuts. I was positive I saw you when I walked by this one place and I started screaming at the bouncer. I mean I was drunk and all so that certainly didn’t help. But I was convinced you were in there and then this other guy started pushing me around and knocked me to the ground. It was like this big fucking scene on the street. The bouncer finally let me in, and it wasn’t you. I mean, obviously it wasn’t you.”
“I’m so sorry that happened to you. I shouldn’t have just left the bar like that. I just felt like such a loser. Everybody was talking about their first time and I just felt like this little kid. I wanted to prove to everyone that I wasn’t. I was such an idiot. I wish I would have just gone home instead,” I said as my eyes began to wet.
Leo began to kiss me again. My cheeks, my forehead, my hair, then back to my lips. Soft, gentle kisses. He rested his forehead on mine and then pulled his face away from me to finish his thoughts.
“I wanted us to stay here this weekend so that you could see that I’ve moved back in with my parents. I want you to know that I broke up with Claudia when she returned from France. I just finished moving the rest of my stuff out this week. I didn’t want to say anything until all of my stuff was out of there.”
That was the moment I felt a million spotlights turn on simultaneously, bringing into full view all of my faults, quirks, and issues. If I told Leo what was really going on with me, he was going to think I was insane. He’d think I was a total weirdo. Scared and unwilling to reveal the truth to him, I found myself beginning to feel angry towards him instead. I sat there trying not to say anything because I knew my reaction was crazy and would hurt him. I sat and half listened to Leo talk as I tried to think of how to respond.
“So, I’ll stay here until we graduate next year and then I’ll start working for my dad so I can afford my own place. I wish I had just moved out months ago,” Leo added, running his fingers through my hair then gently pulling my face back towards his again. “I’ve wanted to do this with you for so long.”
Leo closed his eyes and kissed me. The kisses continued building until he pulled my entire body towards him and allowed his limbs to become entangled with mine. Arms through arms, legs through legs, Leo continued to try to engulf the space between us. I felt his weight as he pushed himself on me until we were both lying down and he was on top of me.
As I lay there kissing Leo with my eyes wide open, Mark continued to taunt me, watching us as Darian sat beside him. I watched in horror as I felt my entire body morphing into a bundle of exposed wires, the same wires that had been cut off from my heart on the night with Mark. The severed wires were all frayed. Occasionally they would spark, allowing me to believe that I may still be human for a moment. But shortly after, the wires would begin to flail around aimlessly without purpose or connection. I was broken, dead, my rhythm stolen, my breath empty. There was no part of my internal being that was even participating in the interaction with Leo, that was savoring what should have been one of the most romantic moments of my life. Instead, I felt my hands aggressively push Leo off me and felt myself rise back up off the bed. I stood up and walked across the room facing the wall in front of me, wishing desperately to rid myself of Mark once and for all. But it was no use. As long as Darian refused to return to me, Mark remained, staying close to her at all times.
“Dottie? What just happened? Did I do something wrong?” Leo asked, worried. And then I snapped.
“Why? Why are you doing all of this? Everything was so perfect! And now it’s just all a mess!” I said, shaking my head back and forth, still facing the wall and wishing I could stop what was about to happen.
“What are you talking about?” Leo asked.
“It’s been such a great summer,” I said, turning back towards Leo. “I’ve been so happy. And then you just have to go fuck everything up!”
Leo sat up in his bed, his mouth ajar. He ran his hand through his hair looking stunned as Mark stood up from his chair and began to clap at me. “He’s fucking it all up, right?” Mark said, looking right at me. “We don’t have to put up with this shit, Dottie. Just cut him loose,” he continued.
“Uh, this isn’t exactly how I thought this was gonna go down,” Leo said, looking utterly confused.
“How the hell did you think it was gonna go down?” I replied. What, did you really think I wanted to be your girlfriend or something?”
“Yeah. What the fuck was he thinking?” Mark asked me as he curled his left arm around my shoulders.
“Men are so fucking stupid!” I yelled, twitching my back to remove Mark’s grip. “Things were perfect the way they were! You could just go fuck Claudia during the week and then you and I could be together on the weekends and have a nice time with your family. But no, that’s never enough. Guys always have to fuck you! Having this little virgin around was just too exciting for you, wasn’t it? You just couldn’t wait to end your seven-year relationship with a woman ‘cause she was probably getting kinda old anyway! You just had to fuck your little virgin friend with a clear conscience!”
“What? Oh my God! What the hell are you talking about right now?” Leo asked, completely taken aback. “Why are you so fucking obsessed about being a virgin? Nobody even gives a shit, okay? And by the way, I don’t want to fuck you! There is nothing I said tonight that should even make you think that.”
“Oh really? What the hell was all that?” I asked, pointing to Leo’s bed.
“That’s what two people look like when they’re in love with each other! Have you even heard a single thing I’ve said to you tonight? I’m not just trying to have sex with you, Dottie. In fact, I had no intentions of that happening here tonight. It’ll happen when it happens. Why are you always thinking about that stuff anyway? What is the deal with you?” Leo asked as he walked over to me. Then he stopped and took a breath. “Jesus, Dottie. What the hell happened to you that night?”
“What night?” I replied, taking a step back from him
“The night you went missing. What did that guy do to you? That Mark asshole?”
“Nothing. I’ve already told you,” I said defensively.
“Dottie, you were missing for two days. I’m pretty sure something happened. You’ve been a different person ever since.”
I felt my entire body begin to shake like it was about to give way, much like a river whose dam was about to collapse. Short images fluttered through my brain. The stairs. The bed. My bruised face in the mirror. But the emotions refused to surface. How was it that my body could physiologically respond to the memories without the corresponding emotions? How was that even possible? I was completely removed from myself. But I couldn’t keep lying and I wasn’t going to keep sacrificing Leo’s feelings so that I could keep hiding. I was so exhausted from always pretending. I was tired of acting like everything was all right and that nothing was wrong with me. I clearly had not been able to get better on my own no matter how hard I was trying. I figured I was losing Leo anyway, so I decided in that moment that I should, at the very least, tell him why. Leo sat waiting for my explanation.
“He didn’t rape me,” I said without emotion.
“Okay, what did he do to you?”
The shaking began again and this time my breath changed with it. Tears began to roll down my cheeks. My words came out choppy as I tried to catch my breath and explain the most horrible night of my life.
“It’s nothing you can see anymore. But he did something else that I don’t know how to explain or fix. I don’t understand how or why it happened. But I’m not here anymore. I’m gone. I left. I can’t sleep. I’m always scared.”
“What do you mean, you’re not here?” Leo asked intent on understanding me.
“I’m not inside my body,” I admitted, knowing that I was beginning to sound crazy. “I can only experience some feelings but not others.”
“Where are you?”
“I don’t know how to explain it,” I said, beginning to feel exhausted.
“Try.”
“I’m always in the same room as my body but I’m not inside myself. So, it’s like I’m really over there and Mark is always with me over there. With her,” I said pointing to the other side of the room.
“Do you see them?” Leo asked.
“No, but they’re there. I can feel them. They’re with me all the time. It gets worse when I’m alone with a guy or when I’m trying to fall asleep at night.”
“Have you tried talking to somebody about it?” Leo asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked, horrified that he thought I was crazy enough to need a therapist.
“Like a therapist,” Leo clarified.
“No! Why would I need to do that? I’m not crazy! I said, pulling myself together. I wasn’t ever like this before that night with Mark.”
“Dottie, seeing a therapist is nothing to feel ashamed about. I’ve been seeing a therapist since I was nine,” Leo said like it was no big deal.
“Since you were nine? Why? Why would you need to see a therapist?” I asked.
“When you have as much money as my family does, you’re pretty much assigned a therapist at birth,” Leo replied with a soft smile.
“What do you mean?”
“Being wealthy is not a normal state of being. It’s not a normal lifestyle. A lot of people, most people, can’t relate to my life or my problems. I have a lot of trust issues, as does everyone in my family. As do most people who have this kind of money. I feel guilty a lot of times, like I don’t deserve everything I have. When people find out how wealthy I am, they usually start treating me differently. There’s just a lot of pressure for me to live the life my parents want me to live. I mean, I could go on and on about this stuff. It’s just nice to have someone to talk to about it. You probably need to talk to someone about what happened that night, Dottie. It doesn’t have to be me. It’s probably better that it not be me. But I can still be here for you if you want me to. I want you to get better.”
I wasn’t able to say anything back.
“Would you ever consider talking to somebody?” Leo asked.
I shrugged my shoulders and said, “maybe.” Leo took a deep breath.
“Do you still want me to sleep in my own room?” Leo asked.
I nodded my head yes without saying anything. Leo looked at the floor and then back up at me. Then he turned around and walked out of the room.
I walked into musical theater class on Monday morning a few minutes early. I didn’t mention anything to Leo or Ella about the other cohort getting invited to watch me perform. The room was filled with extra chairs to accommodate the other students. I felt nervous butterflies in my stomach as I walked to the front row of the audience and took a seat. Then Lance and the pianist walked in together, both holding their coffees.
“Dottie, why don’t you grab the stool over there. You might as well just put it center stage and take a seat while I talk to the class,” Lance said, as he pointed to the stool and continued chatting with the pianist. I followed his directions and sat center stage on the stool nervously as my classmates walked in one by one, immediately looking over to me with inquisitive looks on their faces. Ella walked in with a few others. She was being particularly loud, drawing lots of attention to herself as I sat there quietly waiting for my cue to begin singing. Leo strolled in at the last minute and chose a seat in the very back of the room.
“All right!” Lance yelled out to the room. “So, as you can see, I’ve invited both cohorts here today to watch Dottie perform, “No One is Alone.”
I tried making eye contact with Leo, but he wouldn’t look back at me.
“We all know the show by now, Into The Woods,” Lance said, as he continued to engage the class. “Music and Lyrics by…?”
“Sondheim,” a student’s voice yelled back.
“When did the show first appear on Broadway?”
“Last year. No wait, two years ago?”
“Prize goes to anyone who knows the exact date.”
“November 5th, 1987,” Sara called out with a proud smirk.
“Very nice. I can see Sara has already started preparing for her final exam. I’m hoping others aren’t too far behind? Okay, today we are going to spend our time deconstructing Dottie’s performance and talking about what we see, so take notes and be prepared to contribute to the conversation today. Are you ready, Dottie?”
I cleared my throat and allowed my eyes to shift out of focus as I concentrated. I aged my expression, morphing into my mother. My eyes filled with a mixture of love and guilt as her mannerisms filled my extremities. As I felt her moving through me, I looked at the audience and saw all of my children sitting there. My beautiful children, if they only understood I had tried my best. Then the music began, and the lyrics gently flowed from my lips as I let my eyes meet those of my classmates. I scanned my peers and imagined all of their incredible strengths, how proud I was of each of them and how desperately I wanted them to know how much I loved them. I felt myself completely lost in the beauty of the melody as a hush swept across the room, and the energy of a Monday morning transformed into the sweetness of a Monday evening lullaby. It seemed as though each time I made eye contact with someone, that their eyes would respond back with emotion. It was an easy audience though, I suppose. A room full of late adolescents, soon to be sophomores still grappling with the recent loss of their own parents having struck out on their own to live independently for the first time one short year ago. The song came to an end. A few students were quietly holding back tears. Even Ella seemed visibly moved. Leo stared off to the side of the room. And Sara, my secret partner in virginity, sat front and center covering her mouth as she made an attempt to compose herself through Lance’s probes.
“All right. So why do you think I asked Dottie to perform this song for both cohorts today?” Lance asked.
“To torture us?” a classmate offered in jest, hoping to ease the mood of the room.
“’Cause she’s good?” said another.
“What’s Dottie good at?” Lance asked.
“Getting the audience to feel things,” Someone hollered from the back of the room.
“How is she doing that?” Lance asked.
“She’s just real,” said Sara, still crying.
“How is that different from what we see a lot of times in musical theater?” Lance asked.
“It’s like she’s not acting. She’s just being,” someone said.
I looked over at Leo knowing what he must have been thinking. He knew the truth after all. He knew that, in actuality, I was an empty shell. There sadly wasn’t very much that was real about me at all. I couldn’t even feel or experience genuine emotions half the time. I was just somehow really good at manufacturing and evoking them in others. How ironic it all was. Leo might as well have been the wall he was leaning his chair against because there was no expression on his face as he sat there watching me without contributing anything to the discussion.
Lance continued to talk about my performance. Once the discussion came to a close, he chose to dismiss us early. On my way out, I couldn’t help but ask Sara how she was doing. It was the future counselor in me, I suppose.
“Hey, Sara. You seem really sad today. I’m sorry if my song brought you down,” I said.
“It’s okay. I’m just depressed because my parents came up this weekend to visit. They left last night. I kind of wanted to leave with them.”
“Yeah, I can relate. Do they come up often?” I asked.
“Um, once in a while. I don’t know, I’ve just been really homesick lately,” Sara responded, beginning to cry again.
“Well what are you doing right now?” I asked. “I was gonna head over to the Museum of Natural History if you want to join me. You should come. It’ll be fun,” I said.
“Oh, I’ve been wanting to check that place out.” Sara said.
“You’ve never been there? It’s literally right down the street,” I said, hardly believing her.
“No. I don’t really go out all that much. I’ll go with you though,” she said.
“Well, you’re gonna love it! It’s completely awesome. I would live there if they let me,” I replied.
Sara and I gathered our things and were heading towards the door along with our classmates when I heard my name. It was Leo calling me from the back of the room.
“Hold on, Sara. I’ll meet you in the lobby,” I said. Then I walked towards Leo, who was still sitting in his seat.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“What’s up with you? Are you going somewhere?” Leo asked.
“Yeah. I just invited Sara to the museum. Wanna join us?” I asked.
Leo laughed and scratched the top of his head.
“So that whole thing…” Leo said pointing to the stool I had just performed on. “That was really ironic, don’t you think?” Leo said, as he let out a strange laugh I had never heard from him before.
“Hey Leo?” Ella interrupted, calling from the doorway. “I’m headed down to the bar. You coming?”
Leo was looking at me like a rejected child. Like he was broken, and I was the reason for it.
“I’m looking into therapists this week. I’ll set up an appointment,” I offered, hoping to smooth things over with Leo before he left with Ella.
“Yeah, I’m coming!” Leo called out to Ella as he grabbed his stuff.
Then the four of us left the academy together, Leo with Ella and me with Sara. Sara and I walked the two of them to the bar, leaving them behind as we continued walking west until reaching the museum. I wasn’t thrilled that Ella was going to be drinking with Leo. That seemed like a recipe for disaster. They’d likely exchange notes about me. But I felt myself being pulled to the museum regardless. I could sense something waiting there for me, although I didn’t know what it was.
Sara turned out to be nicer than I had anticipated. Awkward, but nice and more importantly, goodhearted. And although we didn’t really click that evening or hang out much after that, I was always grateful that we had gone to the museum that day, because that was the day I saw an advertisement marketing an upcoming book signing by Jane Goodall for later that fall. I had read a news article regarding Goodall earlier that year and had been fascinated by her ever since. The fact that she had acquired fame without sexualizing herself both stunned and intrigued me. Was it really possible? Could a woman be adored in our society without stripping down to her bathing suit? I needed to meet this woman and be in her presence, even if only for a moment. I added the date to my calendar and with that commitment to meet her in person, a shift began to slowly grow inside me. It was a shift that would ultimately set me free from choosing to feed into a lifestyle that perpetuated sexist ideals of what women should look like, how they should dress, what they should be interested in, and what they were capable of. And it was that same shift that would eventually bring me back to my hometown, Potsdam, NY, a small town with the power to heal all that NYC’s hard lessons had inflicted on me.