By the middle of my second semester, I found myself becoming more and more disenchanted with musical theater. I always loved to sing and act in high school, so I previously assumed that putting the two together would be the best use of my talents. However, the more musicals I participated in, the more apparent common themes between them became. Female roles seemed to consist of virgin daughters, dutiful wives and prostitutes. The roles were one-dimensional and were mostly used to support and highlight the male leads who all embodied the same boring, white, privileged persona. In addition, shows that did include roles for people of color tended to be incredibly racist and offensive. White male roles were always depicted as being kind, good, worthy heroes while everyone else was either evil or needed to be saved (by the white men, of course). But what else could you expect if white men were the ones writing all the musicals? It turns out, they always had been writing them. From the early 1800s on, white men had been using a primitive form of musical theater as seen in the blackface minstrel shows as a way to depict their fantasies and degrade minority groups in the vilest manner imaginable. And the fact that it was all done in the form of song and dance made it all the more ludicrous and unbearable. From the start, musical theater was created by and for white men and more than two centuries later, it seemed that not much had changed. Month after month, show after show, I would essentially be assigned the same virgin daughter role who needed saving, and by spring I had grown tired of it.
When April arrived, my musical theater teacher, Lance, assigned each student a final song for the year. Assignments were posted outside his office door. Students had four weeks to work with a pianist and costume designer to bring the role to life that May. I was assigned George and Ira Gershwin’s “Someone To Watch Over Me.” For those of you who are not familiar with the song, it’s an American standard about a girl who’s desperately seeking a husband because she’s lost in the woods and needs someone to save her. Well, a white male hero to be more specific…not to mention mind-numbing. I stood outside Lance’s office, swearing at the wall as I read my assignment.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I asked out loud, reacting to my new assignment.
“Excuse me?” I heard a voice say from behind me. It was Lance walking past me into his office.
“Lance, please don’t make me sing this song. It’ll make me vomit on stage. I’m not even kidding.”
“Dottie, what’s the problem?”
“Aren’t there any musicals out there with, I don’t know, an original plot or formula? Maybe one that is written by a woman? Do you have any of those?”
“What are you talking about?” Lance asked as he squinted back at me in bored confusion.
“I’m so tired of these songs,” I responded. “Last month I was sixteen going on seventeen, and now I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the woods? Can you please assign me a more interesting song?”
“Dottie, are you about done? Because I’ve got real work to do here.”
“I’m not kidding, I’m not singing this song!”
“Actually, you are singing this song because it’s the song I have assigned you to sing. So run along and get to work on it.”
I let out a stunned laugh. “Why don’t you just have me sing, ‘I Enjoy Being A Girl’ from the show Flower Drum Song while you’re at it.”
Lance looked up from his desk and put down his pen.
“Actually, you’ll be a perfect cast for that in a couple of years. Yeah, that’s a good one for you.”
He looked me up and down, then added, “We’ll save that one for next year though.”
“I’m not, Chinese. You do know that, right? I’m not even Asian,” I retorted back.
“Dottie, you’re gonna have to get used to playing the types of roles that you’ll later be cast in. Either you want to do musical theater, or you don’t.”
“I’m pretty sure I’ve decided I don’t want to do it,” I replied.
“All right, fine. Drop out. But if you’re staying, you’ll sing what I assign to you. It’s totally your choice though.”
I began to walk away when he yelled out, “But know this, if you do quit, you’re just gonna end up married and pregnant. The dutiful wife role and you’ll be playing it forever. Art…life…it’s all the same. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.”
Lance was right in a way about art and life. They weren’t all that different. I was, in fact, a little lamb lost in the concrete forest that was New York City, but did I really need to sing a fucking song about it in front of all my peers, a song written by a man in 1926? I wasn’t having it. And for those of you who are not familiar with the song, “I Enjoy Being A Girl,” I’d like to urge you to take a moment right now and treat yourself to the film adaptation on YouTube. It’s horrifying. Go ahead and watch it now. I can wait.
I mean, I know it’s important to keep the historical perspective in mind and all, but why do we have to keep playing out the same fantasy over and over again? How about we just move on and stop insulting people already? Or at the very least, not allow the fantasies to keep coming from the same perspective: that of the white, heterosexual male. Just because an insult is sung with a pretty melody behind it doesn’t mean it’s not insulting! Entertainment can be just as guilty of perpetuating the status quo as anything else. In fact, it’s usually the culprit. It’s not like the music is actually masking anything. So anyway, I walked out of Lance’s office that day hating him. I even called my parents after classes to tell them I was dropping out of school in May. I told them I had decided that musical theater was completely asinine.
“Mom, I’ve already wasted an entire year here. This school isn’t even accredited. Did you know that? I just found that out.”
“What does that mean?” my mom asked.
“It means that now that I want to go to college, the classes I am wasting my time taking here at this dumb-ass school aren’t even going to transfer over,” I told her.
“Since when do you want to go to college?” my mom asked.
“Since now,” I said.
“Honey, you’re halfway done. One more year and you’ll have a degree in musical theater. Just finish it up. College will still be here when you’re finished. Enough of this nonsense already! I want to hear what you thought about the package I sent you!” my mom said as her voice rose in excitement.
“Huh?”
“Don’t tell me you didn’t get it!” she said.
“Oh, the bras and stuff? Why do you keep sending that shit to me anyway?”
“Excuse me? I spent a lot of money on those, my dear! That’s Victoria’s Secret, I’ll have you know!”
“Who the hell is Victoria? I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I replied.
“Duhhhh! I’m sure there’s one in the city by now! It’s a very famous lingerie store.”
“Why do you think everything is very famous? Mom, I’m never gonna wear any of them. Stop wasting your money for no reason.”
“Honey! Don’t you want to show off that new little body of yours to anyone special?”
“Gross, Mom. Please stop.”
“How about this Leo guy you’re always talking about?” she replied.
“He has a girlfriend. Just stop.”
“Well, he seems to be spending a lot of time with you for someone who has a…”
Then I hung up on her.
That night after I finished my shift at the cafe, I headed back to the loft and walked in on Ella watching porn again. The lights were all off. She was sitting on my futon, which had become my permanent bed ever since that first time we had watched porn together.
“Can you please do that someplace else?” I asked, still in a bad mood from my earlier conversation with Lance.
“We don’t have a TV in the loft,” Ella snapped back. And it’s not like I was gonna jerk off on your precious futon anyway.”
Leaving the TV on, Ella grabbed her sweater and stood up. She tossed her sweater onto the floor next to her dresser on the way to the ladder and climbed up into the loft. My head was pounding as I shut my eyes and placed my fingers on my temples, pressing them into my head. I had probably embarrassed the shit out of Ella, but at that point I didn’t really care. I could hear sex coming from the TV and it made me want to scream. I opened my eyes and sat there watching a girl that looked even younger than me getting fucked up the ass. The guy fucking her reminded me of Mark. His upper body was herculean and disgusting as he pinned her down. I got up from the futon to turn off the TV, but as I walked towards the bright image on the screen, I saw something in the girl’s eyes that made me stop. I saw myself. I stood there, frozen, as it hit me. Then I imagined her singing “Someone To Watch Over Me” as she looked hopelessly into the camera. It wasn’t just musical theater that made me sick. It was the whole world. Everything, it seemed, had been created by and for white men. So, what were my real choices? I could either sing their fucking songs for them or do what? What was the alternative? There had to be one. I just wasn’t sure what it looked like. All I knew was that if I was going to be forced to sing a song about it, that I was going to call it out for what it was – an outdated idiotic song that served no purpose other than to play into men’s one dimensional fantasies about women. And then I had an idea.
The following week I approached my acting teacher, Ricky, after class. Out of all my teachers, I loved Ricky the most. Ricky was in his 40s and was openly gay. His class focused strictly on theater. In fact, Ricky wasn’t a singer at all, and I had the sense that Ricky wasn’t all that fond of Lance. Actually, I’m not sure anyone really liked Lance. In addition to teaching, Lance was a working actor on Broadway, so he had an air about him that tended to annoy others, myself included. Lance was condescending and bossy. But I trusted Ricky. Ricky and I had a nice connection and I think Ricky could tell early on that I wasn’t really enjoying the musical part of musical theater.
“Hey Ricky, can I talk to you about something?” I asked, as I ran after him down the hall.
“Dottie. How are we doing today?” he responded.
“Oh, all right. Listen, I was wondering if you’d be open to giving me a few private acting classes? I have an assignment I’m not really thrilled about and I have an idea that I’d like to run by you if it’s okay.”
“What is it?” Ricky asked.
“Well,” I said looking around. “I’d actually rather not talk about it here at school.”
Ricky leaned down and whispered in my ear.
“I’m not supposed to give private lessons to my students from school but, because I like you, I’ll do it. Come over to my place on Saturday around 11. We can talk there, all right?”
“Yay! Thank you!” I said back, excited that I might have Ricky on board with my idea by the end of the week.
Ricky gave me his address. He lived in Harlem. I had never been there but could see from the map that I could walk there in less than an hour from my loft. When I spoke to my parents later that week, I mentioned that I was going to take some private acting classes with Ricky beginning that Saturday.
“Where will the classes be?” my mother asked.
“At his apartment in Harlem,” I replied.
“Harlem, how will you get there? Are you taking a cab?” she asked.
“No, I’ll just walk. I love walking,” I replied.
“Honey, Harlem is a bad neighborhood! I think you should just take a cab. At the very least bring the knife you bought.”
Then my father got on the phone.
“Darian, do not carry a knife,” my dad implored. “A knife can be taken from you and used to kill you. There is a lot of crime in Harlem. You don’t watch the news. Your mother and I do so we know what happens there. Why don’t you just take a cab?” my father asked.
“I hate cabs. I’d rather walk. I’ll be fine,” I said.
“Call us as soon as you get back home,” my father pleaded.
That Saturday I put my switchblade in my army jacket pocket just in case. But the truth was, ever since the incident with Mark, I felt like I could get myself out of any situation. I made it a point to never watch the news so the perceptions that my parents held regarding Harlem were not shared by me. And I trusted Ricky. He hadn’t mentioned anything about my safety when I told him I was going to walk to his apartment in Harlem from my loft on the upper west side. In fact, he said, “Oh, that’ll be a great walk from where you live.” I tied up the laces on my Chucks, put my army jacket on and headed out.
As I walked through the streets of Harlem to Ricky’s apartment I was struck by the contrast between my expectations, which were based on what I had heard from my parents, from the reality of what was unfolding before my eyes as I continued my journey uptown. I was also struck by the contrast between the neighborhoods I was walking through and my own neighborhood on the upper west side. I saw multiple generations of families all around me. There were grandparents sitting on steps playing with grandchildren. There were teenagers playing ball and games outside. Everyone was friendly. People looked right into my eyes when I said hello. Genuine connections took place and they were palpable. There was a small town feel to it that stood diametrically opposed to the sterile environment I lived in on 83rd street where nobody made eye contact, everyone was generally unfriendly, elderly people were nowhere to be found, and children were quickly hidden behind locked doors with their nannies. As I knocked on Ricky’s door, I felt stupid for even having brought my knife. “Why is everybody so afraid of Harlem?” I thought to myself. “It’s like the friendliest place on earth.”
“Hi Dottie! Welcome,” Ricky said, as he motioned for me to come in.
“Hi Ricky.”
“How was your walk over here?” he asked.
“Really nice. Harlem’s awesome,” I replied.
“This is your first time? Oh, I know. Shhh, it’s New York’s best kept secret so don’t tell anyone, or a bunch of white assholes will move in.” Ricky was white. “So… I’m dying to hear about this idea of yours. But first, tell me about the assignment Lance gave you.”
“He assigned me to sing ‘Someone to Watch Over Me’ for my final project,” I said as I rolled my eyes.
“Oh God, more like ‘Someone to Gag Me’!” Ricky said, rolling his eyes back at me.
“I know, right?” I replied
“So, what’s your idea?”
I took a deep breath and then hesitated as I stretched my bottom lip in apprehension.
“So, I was thinking… maybe I could sing this from a porn star’s perspective. Like, you know, the young porn star who’s still waiting to be saved by white male prince charming?” I raised my eyebrows at Ricky secretly praying for his approval. Ricky raised his right hand to cover his mouth and then pulled it away to share his thoughts.
“Wow. I like it. So, all right, we need to talk for a few minutes here before we proceed though,” Ricky said.
“Okay,” I replied, nodding my head.
“So, here’s the thing,” Ricky hesitated, thinking for a moment, then added, “Okay, scratch that. Actually, let me see you perform the song first and then we’ll talk.”
“You want me to perform it right now?” I asked, surprised.
“Yes.”
My heart sped up. I hadn’t prepared anything for that day and thought we were just going to talk about the idea. I gave a half-ass performance. It was a starting point but not much else.
“Okay,” Ricky said nodding his head yes. “So, let’s talk. First of all, I’m not helping you with this song. I mean, I’m helping you with it, but nobody can know that I’m helping you, got it? Or else, I’m losing my job. Seriously, I’m not even kidding. Tell a soul and I’ll deny the whole thing. The problem is, this is really,” he stopped and rolled his eyes into his head “so inappropriate on so many levels. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Your idea is fabulous! But, you’re gonna have to take this performance all the way to make it work, all right sweetheart? Because if you don’t, it’s just gonna come off as weird and confusing. You gettin’ me?”
“Yeah, I know. My performance sucked just now. I didn’t think you were going to ask me to sing it for you today. I wasn’t prepared to perform it,” I replied.
“I know. It’s fine. I just needed to see what you had in mind. So how many weeks do we have?” Ricky asked.
“Three.”
“Plenty of time. Okay, so now I need to ask you some personal questions if that’s all right with you.”
“Sure,” I said.
“Have you even had sex yet? Like, are you still a virgin?” he whispered.
I rolled my eyes. Jesus was this one thing going to define me for the rest of my fucking life?
“I have not had sex yet, but I’ve watched porn a couple of times,” I said, my eyes lighting up as I opened them wider to express my understanding of such adult concepts.
“That’s a great start!” Ricky said. Then he added after some deliberation rather quietly, “Have ya had an orgasm yet by any chance?”
I scrunched up my face, biting my bottom lip and shrugged, “Maybe? I don’t really know.”
“You’d know if you’d had an orgasm before,” Ricky said, his eyes giving way to his disappointment.
“Then probably not,” I said back, feeling like a failure.
“It’s all right. I can explain this. I’ll just explain it to you. An orgasm. An orgasm feels like.” Ricky stopped and then swiped the hair from his eyes and shook his head. “An orgasm feels as if…” He exhaled and tried again. “When you have an orgasm, your body. You’re. It just…” Ricky let out a frustrated, “ughhhhhhhh!” He raised his hands up and said, “Jesus, how the hell do you explain what an orgasm feels like? Shit!” He thought some more as he began to pace back and forth in front of me. Then he dropped to his knees, grabbed his crotch, and began screaming at the top of his lungs, “It’s like you’re getting everything you’ve ever wanted and it’s all happening right here!!!!!!!!!!!” he continued, grabbing his crotch as he screamed out a fake orgasm.
I painfully watched as my mouth dropped open. Then I nodded without saying a word. He had certainly broken the ice. Anyway, what a day! First, I have to unlearn everything anyone has ever told me about Harlem, and then I have to be able to make it look like I know what an orgasm looks and feels like when I’ve never actually experienced one. Ah, to be 18 again. Never in a million years thank you very much!
So, I spent the next few Saturdays enjoying my walks to Harlem and back so that Ricky could coach me in faking orgasms. By the second week, we were studying the musical score together to choreograph each and every beat of the song. Ricky and I decided that the tempo needed to be played faster than originally intended by its composers and that final measures would by punctuated by my getting fucked up the ass by an invisible male porn star. You know, just to spice it up a little. Thinking back on it, I can hardly believe I participated in something so risqué, but it just goes to show you how pissed I was about the whole thing and how desperately I wanted my voice to be heard, not necessarily for its sound quality, but more for the lesson and message I wanted it to carry. I wanted my performance to say, “Fuck you Lance and every other white, male asshole that’s ever made minority members of our society sing a fucking song about how much they love their minority statuses so that ya’ll can be some kind of freaking hero. Fuck fucking you!!!” Ricky was completely on board with it all as long as I made no mention of him. In all honesty, those few weeks leading up to my final performance that year were probably my favorite during that period of my life. I felt a sense of purpose for the first time ever. It was like I was pregnant with my own voice and boy was it about to be born! And Ricky was my perfect “Lamaze” partner, helping me with my breathing and whatever else it took to assist in the rebirth of such a dusty, old, outdated musical theater character.
I decided to wear dance tights and a spaghetti strap leotard under one of the lace bra and bikini sets from the extremely famous Victoria’s Secret store that my mother had sent to me, the one and only time I ever worn any of them. Over that, I wore the perfectly boring yellow cap sleeve dress with ballet flats that our costume designer had assigned to me. I was simultaneously the virgin and the whore combined into one costume and, ironically, one person. I hadn’t told anyone of my plan for the performance, not even Leo or Ella.
My entire cohort of around 35 students sat with me that day in the black box theater of our school. It was unseasonably warm for May and the theater was hot as we all sat fanning ourselves with handmade paper fans ripped from our notebooks. Perhaps the heat was adding to Lance’s already crabby disposition. One by one, my fellow students gave their final performances and accepted audience feedback as was protocol once the house lights were turned back on. I sat there trying not to let my nerves get the better of me and decided it would be best to go last given the fact that I was almost certain to set Lance off, or at least that was my hope. And it wouldn’t really be fair to my classmates to contribute to his bad mood prior to their own performances.
“Dottie, you’re up,” Lance finally said. By this point Ella and Leo knew me well enough to know that something was about to go down. Although I was one of the quieter ones in the group, I usually tried to appear somewhat engaged and enjoyed providing my peers with thoughtful feedback (often to offset Lance’s abrupt, callous style). The fact that I hadn’t said anything for the entire session had already tipped Ella and Leo off to the fact that something out of the ordinary was about to happen.
I handed my sheet music to the pianist, snapping my fingers to give him my new, faster tempo, and walked to center stage. Lance immediately stopped me.
“Dottie, that’s not the correct tempo. The song is a ballad.”
“I’m aware that it’s written to be a ballad. I’m just speeding it up ever so slightly for this performance,” I replied, as my eyes shot through his soul like a laser.
The tension in the room grew as the houselights turned off. And then, I was alone.
“You’re insane, you’ve totally got this,” I quickly coached myself, pretending that Ricky was in the audience cheering me on.
I could no longer see anyone else in the theater. I took a deep breath, blinked and then Dottie was gone. I was now my little porn star that Ricky and I had been creating over the last few weeks.
A few measures into the song, I began to seductively undo my dress as I picked a dark, faceless form in the middle of the audience to be my focal point and my imaginary prince that I would sing to for the remainder of the song. When my dress hit the floor, a couple of male classmates began to howl, and everyone began laughing. Then I heard the piano stop. I continued to sing as if nothing had happened until the pianist finally caught back up with me. On “won’t you tell him please to put on some speed,” is when I began to jerk off two imaginary dicks on each side of me. I would say that’s probably the part in the song when the audience began to totally go nuts. I saw a flash of light out of the corner of my eye as the theater door opened and groups of students from another cohort began to funnel into the audience to see which performance had been causing such a commotion. Although I knew that what I was doing was completely unheard of at this school, I wasn’t quite expecting the level of noise that was coming out of my classmates. I suppose young actors tend to be a rowdy bunch easily swept away by their emotions. Still, the stomping and cheering that ensued followed by the chanting of my name is a sound I will never forget.
I had apparently caused a tiny riot on that warm, May afternoon on 72 Street and Broadway. And before I knew it, it was time for the finale. I had practiced it at least a thousand times in the mirror. It was the trickiest part of the song, where I was on all fours pretending to be mildly surprised by the entrance of a dick up my ass, followed by a few back and forth motions, an orgasm, and finished off with a sad look of longing towards my nondescript prince charming out ahead of me in the darkness; all of this magic in only four measures. It was like the goddamn musical theater Olympics, but my sense of rhythm came in very handy and I hit all the right facial expressions on all the right notes. The song ended and the house came down. Who would have known someone so small and quiet was capable of stirring up so much noise in others? I certainly hadn’t been expecting it. I couldn’t stop myself from flashing two middle fingers up in the air as I bent over in a fancy curtsey after my performance. It was over!
I had fucking done what I had set out to do and it was completely exhilarating! I felt empowered. I would likely get kicked out of school for it, but that was exactly what I had been hoping for. I had also secretly hoped for Lance to blow up and storm out of the room. But neither of those things happened. The thing about experienced actors is that they have incredible control over their facial expressions. Lance gave me nothing. A complete poker face is all that I was met with when the house lights went back on. The riot came to a grinding halt as well. I could feel Leo’s eyes on me. I looked over at him and watched as he silently mouthed, “What the fuck????” and then proceeded to melt into Ella’s shoulder as they both tried to muffle their laughter. Then I looked back over at Lance, reflecting his poker face right back at him. Lance looked away and then at the audience asking, “any feedback for Dottie?” Nobody said anything. Lance waited an unusually long time while he jotted some notes down. “Nothing?” Lance asked again. “All right, class dismissed. Good work everyone. Have a great weekend.”
As Lance gathered his belongings, I walked past him to my own seat to gather mine. Lance looked up at me, still with the poker face and said, “Meet me in my office at 9am sharp Monday morning and we’ll talk then.” I nodded yes and then grabbed my stuff. Classmates were patting me on the back and saying things like, “that was fucking hilarious. That was totally awesome. Nice job, Dottie.” Sara, the only openly Christian student at our school and likely the only other virgin walked by me in the row below mine. Her mouth hadn’t closed since the houselights had gone back on after my performance. She just walked by, staring at me without saying a word. I’m pretty sure I rocked her world that day. She never quite looked at me the same again after that. There was always this subtle hint of curiosity in her eyes whenever she was around me. Like she was wondering what it would be like to throw me up against a wall and start making out with me or something. But she was really unattractive, so I never encouraged it. Leo waited patiently while other classmates gave me high fives and continued to exit the theater. I was almost too afraid to look him in the eyes when he said, “Don’t forget your water bottle,” as he tossed it to me.
“Thanks,” I said as I smiled at the floor.
“Go home and pack some stuff for the weekend. I’ll be by to pick you up in 45 minutes,” he said.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“The Hamptons.”
“What’s in the Hamptons?” I asked.
“My parents’ house.”
“We’re gonna hang out with your parents?” I asked, somewhat baffled.
“We probably won’t even see them. Forty-five minutes.” He said it again as he pointed to me, backed up, and turned around with a little hop. I wondered if his happy energy was a response to my performance and got excited at the thought of spending the weekend with him. As Leo was about to exit the theater he turned around, whispering loudly, “And don’t mention anything to Ella. I didn’t invite her.”
About an hour later, I heard a honk outside the loft. I looked out the window and there was Leo, all glossy and handsome. His classic good looks took on a whole other level as he sat in the driver’s seat of what appeared to be a brand new, black, Mercedes Benz sports car. I was glad Ella had not yet returned home. I wouldn’t have to lie to her face about where I was going. I jotted down a quick note, telling her that I was going to my cousin’s place for the weekend and left it on the bistro table. Then I grabbed by bag and walked outside.
“Whose car is this?” I asked, getting into the car as Leo held the door open for me.
“It’s mine,” Leo replied.
“You never told me you had a car! Why are we always taking cabs everywhere?”
“Because parking is a pain in the ass here. I just leave it in my garage and use it whenever I want to get out of the city.”
“You have a garage at your apartment?”
As Leo ran around the front of his car to get back into his seat, it occurred to me that as close as Leo and I were, I had never been to his apartment before. In the ten months that we had known each other we had always hung out at the loft. I always assumed it was because of his girlfriend so I never asked about it. But as I relaxed into his passenger seat, I began to see that there was a whole other side to Leo that I knew nothing about. I watched him drive in awe as we sped away from the loft. I still hadn’t learned to drive myself. I figured there was no need as long as I was living in the city. I looked Leo up and down, trying to take in this new version of my friend.
“Hi,” I said awkwardly after a few moments, as if I were laying eyes on him for the first time. Leo laughed and then turned to me long enough to say hi back and give me a little wink. Then neither of us spoke for a couple of minutes until I finally asked, “What are we doing?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what’s happening? Where’s your girlfriend whom I still haven’t met?” I reminded him. “Is she out of town or something?”
“Claudia? Yeah, she’s in France visiting her parents. I usually go with her but we had finals this week, so I stayed behind.”
“Hmm. Okay…well this will be fun! I haven’t been out of the city since Christmas. I’m excited!”
“Good! I’m excited to take you to the beach. There’s also a party I want to take you to tomorrow night. Some friends of mine from way back will be there. It’ll be something to do.”
“All right,” I said. And then I waited to see if he was going to mention my performance but there was just another awkward silence instead.
“Sooooooooo? Was I awesome or awful? I was the only one who didn’t get any feedback today if you hadn’t noticed.”
“You know damn well you were awesome, Dottie. Don’t give me that shit,” Leo said as he laughed.
“I know, right?” I said, getting super excited. “I was so fucking brilliant! Lance was all, ‘meet me in my office at 9am sharp on Monday so I can kick you out of school in private!’ Oooooh, making me wait ‘til Monday. I’m so scared!”
“Dottie, you’re not getting kicked out of school,” Leo said back.
“I am totally getting kicked out. I gave Lance the middle finger on stage in front of the whole class! I’m a total bad ass!”
Leo started laughing at me as he shook his head back and forth.
“I’m pretty sure nobody has ever been kicked out of our school before, Dottie. They make thousands of dollars off us every semester. Why the hell would they kick you out? And if they did, what exactly would you be so excited about anyway? Moving back to Plattsburg, NY?” Leo asked sarcastically.
“Potsdam, NY,” I clarified.
“Potsdam, NY,” Leo said mocking me.
“Potsdam is a nice little town!” I said.
“Potsdam is a nice little town!” Leo said, mocking me again.
“Stop mocking me!”
“Stop mocking me!” Leo continued while I slapped his right arm. “You are such a New Yorker now! You’re never leaving New York. You just don’t realize it yet.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“I’m not letting you leave New York. No matter how hard you try to go,” Leo said.
“You’re getting me out of New York right now,” I said back with a big, winning smile.
“Oh, she’s a smartass too,” Leo replied.
After a couple of hours of driving, we approached Leo’s affluent beachfront neighborhood and I found myself beginning to feel nervous at the prospect of meeting his family.
“So, what are your parents like? Are they total losers like you?” I asked.
“Yup. I have two sisters too. Mary Parker and Kitty.”
We had been driving on a narrow road that seemed to stretch for miles across the beach when we finally turned into a driveway. My jaw dropped open as we approached the beachfront mansion. It was the kind of place I had seen before in movies, but never in real life.
“My house is pretty big, so don’t be surprised if we don’t bump into anyone while we’re here,” Leo said as he pressed a remote which proceeded to open one of the doors to his four car garage as we pulled in. Leo immediately got out of the car and ran to my door to open it for me as he put out his hand to help me out. I was still kind of shocked as I looked at the lineup of pristine Mercedes cars that barely took up space in the museum like room that was likely as big as the first floor of my own parents’ house. I had grown up thinking that my family had money, but it was now apparent to me that I didn’t even know what real money looked like. As I took in my surroundings, I saw a vintage looking car all the way on the other side of the room and couldn’t stop myself from running over to it. It was the most beautiful piece of machinery I had ever seen in my life. It was a work of art. And at that moment, the door to Leo’s house opened and his father walked out to greet us with Leo’s mom following soon after.
“Ah, you kids finally made it! We were wondering what was taking so long,” Mr. Ventura happily yelled out.
“Hi Dad,” Leo said as he embraced his father.
I walked back over towards them to say my hellos and get a closer look at who had created this friend of mine.
“And there she is. You must be Dottie! We’ve heard so much about you,” Mr. Ventura continued yelling out, although by now I was standing right in front of him.
“Hello, it’s nice to meet you,” I said as I reached out my hand for a polite shake.
“Oh, stop it! What? Leo didn’t tell you we’re huggers?” Mr. Ventura happily barked back at me.
“Dad,” Leo said beginning to get uncomfortable.
“Hey Dottie, I saw you eyeing my ‘56 Benz over there. You like vintage cars, huh?”
“Yes, I love them! Do you ever it drive it?”
“Just for special occasions every now and then,” Mr. Ventura said with a wink. Leo winked at me all the time and now I knew where he got that from.
Leo pulled his mom aside before she had even gotten a chance to meet me while Mr. Ventura motioned for me to follow him over to his ‘56 Benz to get a closer look.
“190 SL convertible. I’ve had her for about five years now,” Mr. Ventura offered with pride. The car was a creamy white with a camel interior and cream-colored steering wheel. I couldn’t stop staring at the white wall tires, a lifelong obsession of mine. As Mr. Ventura continued to talk about the car, I tried to listen in on what Leo was telling his mother. He looked upset. It had something to do with his dad embarrassing him and how I was shy, and they needed to bring it down a notch to not scare me off. It turned out that Mr. Ventura had heard that part of the conversation as well because he looked up at me and said, “I’m embarrassing my son. What else is new?” Then he walked back towards Leo and his wife adding, “All right, we’re going to let you two kids get settled in for the weekend. We are very much looking forward to spending some time with you both. You missed dinner tonight, but…”
“Dad!”
“But…that’s fine is all I was going to say. We’ll have a lovely breakfast tomorrow morning. If it’s nice out, we can eat on the back deck. How does that sound to you, Dottie?”
“It sounds lovely,” I said.
“All right, Dad. But let’s not go scheduling everything, okay? I don’t know what our plans are yet. Dottie and I haven’t really talked about what we want to do.”
“Plans! Are you listening to this guy?” Mr. Ventura said directly to me.
Then Mrs. Ventura reached out her hand towards me, pulling the formality back into the conversation.
“Hello, Dottie. It’s so lovely to meet you. Leo, why don’t you get her things and then you can show Dottie to her room.”
Mr. and Mrs. Ventura headed back into the house and seemed to immediately vanish from existence as Leo took me down a very long hall to my room. The room was well appointed and had its own bathroom. Once Leo left the room, I peeked out the window and saw that the view was of the ocean, just as I had hoped. Then I ran and jumped onto the bed causing feathers to explode out all around me. I panicked and began trying to catch them in a futile attempt, only to realize that it didn’t even matter because there were thousands of other feathers keeping the bed nice and fluffy. They just seemed to multiply each time I slapped my hand down onto the comforter and pulled it up, causing more feathers to slide into the new indentation I had caused and automatically puff up again. “Maybe these people are so rich that they pay little tiny men to reside inside their comforters to keep them fluffy at all times,” I thought to myself. I stared at the comforter, imagining miniature men running through its channels, yelling out in their Italian accents, “Hey, Tony, you missed a spot. Fluff that shit up!” Then I turned over onto my back, which is when I noticed the large window on the ceiling looking out at the stars. “Jesus, this place is getting more awesome by the second,” I thought. But then it occurred to me that I had no idea where Leo had gone, and I didn’t know my way around this place, so I was kind of stuck in that room until he came back for me. I didn’t like that feeling as much, but luckily it was then that I heard a soft knock on the door. Leo had returned. I immediately stood up, not wanting to get caught playing on his bed.
“Dottie, can I come in?” Leo said.
“Yeah. I’m so glad you came back. I was worried there for a minute.”
“Dottie, I’m a taken man. I hope you’re not getting any ideas!” The comment took me by surprise and seemed out of place.
“No, I just meant…”
Leo poked me in the belly with his finger.
“I’m just kidding. Why do you always take things so literally? I wasn’t going to just leave you here and not come back to at least say good night.”
Then Leo ran and jumped right onto the bed just as I had, and feathers began to float all around him.
“My favorite part about being home,” he said.
“Oh good. I was worried I had destroyed your bed or something.”
“Nah. It’s overstuffed for a reason.”
Leo pulled the curtains open as I sat down beside him on the double bed and we began talking about everyone’s performances from earlier that day, including his own.
“I don’t know. I just feel like out of everyone in the class, I’m like in the bottom percentile in terms of talent,” Leo admitted.
“That’s not true at all, Leo. I think you’re really talented and you definitely have the whole prince charming look thing going on. I could totally see you in film.”
“Well, thank you, but I’m not under any illusions of becoming famous. I just figured I could do something fun for a couple of years before I have to go work for my dad. My parents are willing to pay for it so why not?”
“What does your dad do?” I asked.
“He’s in real estate. It’s awful. I hate it. But he’s obviously made a name for himself and it’s all mine to inherit once I’m ready for it. I’m his only son so it’s kind of been expected of me since the moment I was born,” Leo said, his energy dissipating with every word.
“God, I can’t see you doing any of that,” I said.
“I know, right? Actually, Kitty would be better at it than me and she actually seems to really want it. But I would totally do film if I had the opportunity. Musical theater, not so much,” he said.
“No, I agree, I’d rather do film too. Maybe those actors aren’t as obnoxious as the musical theater folks. You know, less sing-songy.”
“How did you even end up at a musical theater school if you hate it so much anyway?” Leo asked.
“I didn’t know I hated it when I applied to go to school there,” I responded. “I love acting and I enjoy singing. I just. I don’t know. I feel like I don’t really belong at this school. I’m so different from everyone else. They’re all loud and in your face with their fucking songs all the time. I’m more introverted I guess.”
“Well, you’re not introverted when you’re on stage, that’s for sure!” Leo said, raising his voice. “But that’s what I love about you so much! You literally morph into this completely different version of yourself.”
I let what Leo said sink in for a moment. He admitted that he loved something about me. I couldn’t recall him ever saying that before. Then I added, “Maybe if there were more people like me in musical theater, I’d like it more. But honestly, if I have to listen to one more fucking person singing a song about complete nonsense, I’m gonna lose my shit.”
“Too late, I’m pretty sure that’s what you did today, kiddo!”
“Oh yeah,” I said, as a big smile swept across my face.
Then I jumped out of bed and began to sing everything I was doing as I continued to mock our classmates.
“I’m going through my luggage, searching for my PJs. Searching, searching, searching for my PJs. Where are you? Where are you? Where are you, little PJs? I need you. I need you. I need you on my bodayyy.”
“Don’t forget the jazz hands,” Leo said.
“Oh sorry.” I flashed my jazz hands out in front of me and sang the last line again. “I need you. I need you. I need you on my bodayyy.” I grabbed my toiletries out of my bag and slipped into the bathroom to brush my teeth and change. When I came back out, Leo had fallen asleep on the bed. I gently nudged him to try to wake him up.
“Leo wake up. You can’t sleep in here. What will your parents think?” I asked.
“Shhhh. They won’t know.” Then he rolled over to the other side of the bed. “They’re in another wing. Shut off the light,” he said.
I hesitated for a moment and then Leo whined again about the light, so I shut it off and slipped into bed next to him. I sat up for at least 20 minutes trying to decide if I should wake him up and force him out or not. The only other guy I had ever fallen asleep with was Sean Calvert in high school and that had only happened one time. I was about to graduate from high school in less than two weeks and had lied to my parents about being at a friend’s house. Sean had invited me to spend the night with him while his mom was out of town. I agreed so long as I could bring a friend. Bringing Debbie was out of the question because our mothers talked and I didn’t want my mom to find out what I was up to, so I invited Missy instead. The three of us hung out on his single bed for most of the evening while Sean drew pictures and Missy and I chatted. We just hung out and talked for hours. Every 30 minutes or so Sean would show us a new masterpiece and ask if we liked it. “Which one do you like the best?” he’d ask with a serious look on his face. “I still like that one the best,” I’d say, pointing to my favorite drawing. After several hours of this, Sean finally stood up once it started to get light outside and left Missy and I there in his bed, so he could get some sleep in the attic’s spare bed. Missy and I looked at each other after he walked out and started giggling. “I’m gonna follow him up there, wanna come?” I asked Missy.
“No, silly. I think he actually wants to get some sleep now.”
“But I miss him. I haven’t even moved to NYC yet and I already miss him. I’m not going to be able to sleep,” I said.
“Then you go up there. I’m staying here.” And with that, Missy pulled the blankets over her head, trying to create a dark space in the now sunlit room.
I climbed up the stairs and found Sean lying down on a mattress on the floor, resting on his stomach trying to sleep. He turned around and found me standing in his doorway looking at him like a lost puppy and then he rolled his eyes at me and said, “Fine, but I need to get some sleep now.”
“Okay, I promise I won’t talk. I’m tired too,” I lied. Then I lay down next to him and watched him sleep for a long time until I finally fell asleep myself. We slept well into the afternoon, which had, of course, given my mother plenty of time to worry and ultimately call everyone in the entire town as she frantically tried to find me. She was furious at me the next day after she realized I had lied to her. She showed up at Sean’s house honking her horn like a madwoman. Sean and I jolted up from the mattress in confused shock. I ran to get my purse and then ran outside in a sleepy haze. The passenger side window was down, and my mother looked furious.
“Mom, Jesus! Will you relax? You’re totally embarrassing me!”
“Get in the car, now!” she said, with steam practically coming out of her nostrils.
“Mom, I’m moving to NYC in less than two weeks. You’re never gonna know where I am or who I’m with once I’m there. Why are you getting so nuts about this?” I asked.
“Why am I getting so nuts about this?”
“Had I told you I was spending the night with Sean, you would have just said no,” I said as I got into the car. “I’m probably never gonna see him again after we move so I just wanted to spend some time with him. It’s not that big of a deal. It’s not like we had sex or anything! Missy was there too. Nothing was gonna happen.”
“Just don’t lie to me! Ever! And, by the way, you are not in NYC yet. You are still living in my house! And as long as you’re living in my house under my roof, I get to know where you are at all times! Is that clear?”
“Fine.”
“Is that clear?” she asked again.
“Yes! Oh my god!”
My eyes began to get sleepy as I reminisced about my last weeks of high school until I finally succumbed to the exhaustion from the day and lied down next to Leo, falling fast asleep.
Leo must have taken his t-shirt off in the middle of the night because the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes the next morning was a man’s naked back. My entire body tensed up as I felt my heart jump into my throat. My mind began to race. “Oh my God! I fell asleep! I fell asleep! I fell asleep! How could I have done something so careless? Do I want to die? What the fuck is my problem?” My eyes darted around the bed desperately searching for the gun, but I couldn’t find it. “How could I have fallen asleep? I need to get out of here!” My entire body began to sweat and then something caught my attention from the corner of my eye. A shadow. A memory. There she was, my inner self. I imagined Darian standing there with Mark across the room from me. I imagined each wearing the same outfit from the night of the assault and Darian with a bloody bruise on her cheekbone just below her right eye. I looked back at the man lying next to me in bed and realized it had been Leo the whole time. “That’s right,” I told myself, beginning to breathe again. “I’m in Leo’s house, his parent’s house. Everything is fine. I’m safe,” I said trying to calm down. Leo woke up and squinted over at me.
“Everything okay?” he asked.
“Yeah. I just…”
I just wanted to cry. I thought I had been getting better. I was just beginning to feel less anxious about things. I wanted to tell Leo what was happening, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead, I chose to “act” my way through what was occurring and pretend that everything was fine and normal.
“I was just disoriented. I…I woke up and didn’t know where I was,” I finally offered.
Then there was a knock at the door.
“Leo. Breakfast is in 15 minutes on the back deck,” said Mrs. Ventura.
My eyes popped out of my head as my bottom jaw dropped to the floor. I looked at Leo in horror.
“You said they wouldn’t know!” I huffed out in an aggressive whisper as I grabbed my pillow and hit him in the face with it, causing Leo to start laughing. “I can’t go out there now! Oh my god!” I said.
Leo pretended to get really scared with me and then he grabbed his pillow and hit me back with it.
“It’s fine. Trust me. They don’t care. Dottie, I’m 25 years old. It’s not like I’m in high school anymore. I’ve already graduated from college, remember?”
“Well I recently graduated from high school and your family now thinks that I’m some kind of slut or that I’m trying to steal you away from your serious girlfriend or something,” I replied.
“Oh, they hate Claudia. Why do you think they’re being so nice to you?” Leo said. Then he shot out of bed and walked towards the door. “I’ll come back for you in 15 minutes. We’ll just have breakfast with them and leave. I promise. We can go into town and have some fun together after that.”
I took a quick shower and opened the guest room door. I hadn’t ventured out yet, so I was eager to see the rest of the house. I walked down the hall and Leo was in the living room with his entire family, including his sisters.
“Good morning,” I said to everyone somewhat apprehensively.
“Well good morning, Dottie,” Mr. Ventura said. “Did you two get any sleep at all? I heard you both up all night chatting away and being all theatrical!” Mr. Ventura said.
“Oh, my gosh! I’m so sorry! We had a big day at school yesterday. So, we were talking about it and then I started impersonating everyone. And….”
“It’s all right, honey! I’m just kidding,” Mr. Ventura said. He let out a little chuckle. “My wife and I sleep in a completely separate wing. Couldn’t hear a thing, even if we tried!”
“Oh, Tom! Leave the poor girl alone,” Mrs. Ventura yelled over to her husband.
“Dottie, these are my sisters, Mary Parker and Kitty,” Leo said as he introduced the rest of his family to me.
“Hi. It’s nice to meet you,” I said. Then I noticed that Kitty kind of looked like me. We were built the same and had the same bobbed brown hair.
Everyone shook hands and then we followed Mrs. Ventura out onto the back deck overlooking the ocean. The deck was several feet above the beach and spanned at least half the length of the mansion itself. There were potted trees and flowers nestled in nooks and crannies throughout the space and several French doors separating it from various rooms of the house. We walked toward the middle of it where the main outdoor dining area was and sat down at the large cast iron table. Then a woman dressed in a black and white uniform came outside to pour orange juice into our glasses and serve us breakfast.
The conversation was polite and centered around school and my family. Everyone had questions about how I ended up in NYC. Where my parents were from. What my father did for a living. Then Leo’s sisters began telling family stories from their childhood and poking fun at their brother. The entire family was planning to take the boat out later that day and asked if Leo and I would join them.
“We’ll see,” Leo said. “I’m taking Dottie into town for ice-cream this afternoon but maybe before dinner. And then we have a party to go to tonight.”
“You are going to Steve’s then?” Mary Parker asked.
“Yeah. Are you going?” Leo asked her.
“I don’t know yet. I’ll see how I’m feeling later.”
“You should both come, it’ll be fun,” I offered to both of Leo’s sisters, hoping to show them that I had no intention of stealing away their brother from them. His sisters smiled. The move seemed to go over well with the entire family.
“Yeah, we should all go together!” said Kitty, taking me up on my offer.
Leo flashed me a disappointed look and then Mrs. Ventura mentioned that Kitty was a pianist.
“Oh really?” I said. “I wish I could play. I can just sing along.”
“Yes, Leo mentioned you have a lovely voice. Why don’t we go into the parlor and sing for a bit,” Mrs. Ventura said, as she stood up and led the family inside a set of the closest French doors. I had thought she was kidding at the time, but then I saw them all walking towards a baby grand piano and realized that she had actually been serious. Mrs. Ventura continued to lead the conversation as she sat down in one of the several overstuffed chairs facing the piano.
“Leo was just telling us this morning about how you performed ‘Someone To Watch Over Me’ at school yesterday.”
I felt my face freeze. Then I looked at Leo in horror. Mrs. Ventura continued, “That’s one of my favorite songs. Kitty has the music for it. We’d love to hear you sing it, Dottie. Kitty, go ahead and pull out the music.”
I was speechless as Leo sat in the overstuffed chair next to his mother, flashing me one of his winks with an evil smile that was nearly too big for his face. Fucker. He had clearly invited me home for the weekend simply to torture me for his own entertainment.
“Oh. Um. I…”
“Oh, please Dottie. We have to hear you sing. Don’t be shy now. It’s such a beautiful song,” Mrs. Ventura added.
Kitty had already started playing the opening measures on the piano.
“All right. But only if everyone else sings along with me,” I replied.
“Sorry kiddo, I don’t know the lyrics!” Mr. Ventura yelled out as he laughed at my discomfort. Kitty stopped playing and waited while she looked up at me for a cue.
“I’ll sing it with you!” Leo offered as he shot out of his chair, still smiling from ear to ear. “Hey Kitty, can you pick up the tempo a little this time though?” Leo continued. “Dottie likes it played a little faster, don’t you, Dottie?” Leo’s eyes were penetrating directly into mine as he spoke.
“No, the song is a ballad, Leo,” I said smiling stiffly back at him. “It’s perfectly fine played as a ballad,” I shot back at him again, trying hard not to punch him in the teeth.
“All right then. Whatever you say, Dottie. It’s your song,” Leo retorted, still smiling from ear to ear.
So, there we were, Leo and I singing my least favorite song in the world, as a ballad, to his parents while his sister accompanied us on the piano. I wondered how much Leo had shared about my performance with his family as I felt my face blushing through a million shades of red. Then Leo put his arm around me and started to rock us from side to side as he continued to enjoy his evil victory. Mrs. Ventura began to sing with us from her chair. I played along like a good sport. Even during the last measures, when Leo mimicked my surprised look from the performance when the imaginary cock went up my ass. Except his surprised look was so subtle that it was only I who could notice it. He was speaking a secret, dirty language with me …one that I had created… in front of his entire family, whom I had just met. I had apparently missed out on these types of family dynamics growing up without any brothers. After an excruciating five minutes, it was finally over. Everyone began to clap, including the woman who had served us breakfast and Leo’s parents added a few “Bravos!” at the end. Once that fiasco was over, I politely retreated back to my room and Leo ran after me laughing hysterically as he hugged me from behind.
“Oh my god, you are such an asshole,” I said to him as I turned around to face him.
Leo had tears rolling down his cheeks as he slowly clapped along to his own laughter that seemed to have no end. I crossed my arms in front of me and gave him my best poker face, trying hard not to laugh with him. Then he stopped laughing immediately and gave me the same face back without missing a beat. I pursed my lips together in disapproval as I looked down at the floor and then I heard a little jingle in front of my face. I pulled my head back so I could focus on what was dangling in front of my eyes. Leo was holding a set of keys in front of me and his facial expression changed to one of enticement.
“What are those?” I asked.
“Keys to the ‘56 Benz,” he slowly responded.
“Get the fuck out!!!!!!!! Your dad is gonna let us take it for a spin?” I asked, as I grabbed both of his shoulders and began to shake him. Then we both started screaming and jumping up and down. I felt myself wanting to jump on Leo’s body but decided to dramatically fling myself onto the feather guest bed instead. Leo followed suit and we both rolled around in delight watching feathers fall all around us.
“All right you kids, listen,” Mr. Ventura said, announcing his presence as he walked in on Leo and me. “No food, no drinks, no hanky panky, nothin’ in the car! Are we on the same page here?”
“Dad!” Leo yelled out in embarrassment.
“Don’t ‘dad’ me! Dottie, he’s trying to impress you. You should know this. I’ve never allowed him to take the car without me. I am trusting you will watch him and make sure he follows my directions.”
“Will do, Sir. And thank you! Leo owed me anyway, and now he’s off the hook thanks to you and your trust in us.”
“What do I owe you?” Leo asked.
I gave Leo my “surprised to find you up my ass” look, which sent him into hysterics again. It turned out that practicing that face a thousand times in front of the mirror had been worth it.
“You two are perfect for each other, you know that? You’re both nuts!” Mr. Ventura said as he exited the room.
“All right! Let’s do this,” I said, as I gave out a single clap and then grabbed the keys off the bed, dangling them in front of Leo’s eyes. “Take me for a spin, Mister! I’m waiting!”
As Leo drove me around the quaint town of South Hampton, I thought about how I could totally live this way without even trying. Anybody probably could. After the ice cream stop, we drove a little more so that Leo could give me a tour around town and then he took me back to his house. I could tell he was a little nervous about driving the car and wanted to get it back home safely for his dad.
“Do you really want to join my family for the boat ride?” Leo asked as we walked back into the house.
“It’s up to you. Whatever you want to do is fine with me.”
“Well, I don’t really feel like going. I’d kind of rather take a walk on the beach together, if that’s okay with you.”
“Sure, that sounds nice,” I said.
“Good. Let’s do that then. I’ll meet you back in your room in a minute.”
Leo brought his father the car keys and told him that we had decided to take a walk instead of joining them on the boat. Then he came back to my room and the two of us headed outside.
“Was your dad okay with everything?” I asked.
“Oh yeah. We can always go out on the boat with them tomorrow if it’s nice again.”
“Cool. So, what’s the deal with Claudia?” I asked, changing the subject. “Why doesn’t your family like her?” I continued, as I pulled off my shoes to feel the sand on my feet.
Leo sighed and then explained his relationship with Claudia to me for the first time.
“Claudia’s a bit older than me,” he said. “She was already a graduate student at Vassar when I got there.”
“How much older is she than you?”
“Seven years.”
“Oh. Hmm. So, she’s in her 30s?” I asked somewhat shocked.
“Yeah. So anyway, she’s really into her career. She travels a lot for her job. I guess I know that she’s not a great fit for me, but we’ve been together for…well…seven years now,” he said, acting surprised by how long it had been.
“Uh huh.”
“Anyway, the apartment in the city is hers. My name isn’t on the lease. But it’s easy. It’s comfortable and convenient. Especially with my going to school in the city right now. But that’s just going to be for another year. My parents want me to break up with her and move back into our house in Manhasset, NJ with them and just take the train in for school until I graduate.”
“You have another house?” I asked, shocked again.
“Yeah, we have like five houses.” Leo began to count them on his fingers. “No four. We sold the one in San Francisco last year.”
“So, where did you go to high school?” I asked.
“In Manhasset. The beach house here in South Hampton is our summer house. It’s the largest house out of all of them, but it pretty much stays empty all winter. The house we spend most of our time in is the one in Manhasset where I grew up.”
I told myself to stop asking so many questions. I didn’t want to be annoying. It was just hard to wrap my head around his lifestyle because I had never come across anything like it where I had grown up. As I continued to listen to Leo share his story with me, Potsdam, and my own history even, seemed to get smaller and smaller. No wonder he had made fun of it on our drive there the day before. We walked towards the ocean together and the waves seemed to pick up the mood for the time being. Leo was wearing shorts, but I had long slacks on, so I had to roll up the bottoms. Then out of nowhere, Leo took his right hand and dropped it in the water, cutting through the ocean as it sprayed directly into my face.
“What the hell is your problem?” I asked, annoyed. “Is this how you treat your sisters or something?”
Leo began to laugh and then backed up a few feet, deeper into the water, as he began to impersonate my performance from the day before yet again. But this time he went all out, singing the upbeat version of the song in a loud, Broadway voice while he jerked off two imaginary dicks on each side of him. Watching him impersonating me impersonating a porn star was almost too much to bear. I envisioned a stage with scenery building itself around Leo as stage lights came up from the ocean and down from the clouds. My facial expressions from the performance must have burned themselves into his brain because he was able to duplicate them with great ease as he sent me into a laughing fit. I began to belly laugh hard as he gave me the show of a lifetime.
“Stop! Just stop it!” I said through the laughter.
Then he stopped impersonating me and continued to sing the song as a loud, slow, obnoxious, over-acted ballad. He sang it as the version that had been assigned to me.
“C’mon! You’re not allowed to do that around me, remember? It’s you and me against the world of musical theater!” I screamed, laughing at him as I jumped through the waves, now completely drenched.
Then right as a wave was about to break against us, Leo grabbed me unexpectedly around the waist and lifted me towards the sky as he hurled me over his shoulder. And just like that, I was suddenly back in Mark’s loft again, anticipating the worst. My entire body tensed, and I could no longer breathe. “No, no! Put me down!” I was begging him to stop but the sound of the ocean drowned out my voice. Leo grabbed my waist again, lifting me even higher this time and began to spin me around. I closed my eyes tightly as I felt warm, fearful tears begin to seep from the corners of my eyes and roll down my checks. As the spin came to a close, I opened my eyes and with each turn, saw Darian beside us with her bruised face, crouched over in the water, rocking back and forth as she raised her hand towards us, pleading for mercy. My heart was pounding through my chest the way it had been that day while I ran through the streets of Manhattan, trying to get back to safety. Leo looked up at me and slowly lowered me once he saw the torture on my face.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
But it was too late. I was long gone, far away. Empty. I began to rock back and forth slowly as I stared out onto the water, completely numb.
“Dottie? What’s going on?” Leo asked again. Then he put a hand on my shoulder, but I walked away.
“What just happened to you?” he asked.
“I’m just afraid of heights,” I lied. Then I turned my face away from him, beginning to feel vulnerable. But Leo had such a sweet side to him. I’ll never forget what he did next. Leo began to sing quietly to me. I hadn’t heard him sing that way before. He was singing a lullaby. I almost didn’t realize it was the same song at first. He had changed the lyrics as he sang it.
“There’s a somebody I’m longing to see. I hope that she turns out to be someone who’ll watch over me. I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the woods. I know I could always be good to one who’ll watch over me. Although I may not be the one girls will think of as handsome, to my heart she carries to the key. Won’t you tell her please to put on some speed, follow my lead, oh how I need someone to watch over me.”
Leo walked up from behind me as he continued to sing. He enclosed me in his arms, as we rocked back in forth, standing there together in the water. The waves provided a soft percussion while the seagulls gently played their violins. The sun was just beginning to set as Leo slowly turned me to face him. He kissed my forehead and lifted his hand to touch my face. I could tell there was so much he wanted to say.
Had my life actually been a musical, I suppose that’s where the story would have ended. White prince charming to my rescue, handsome and tender, saving me once and for all. Three…two…one…lights and music fade. But in reality, Leo wasn’t holding me. I wasn’t even inside myself anymore. Had you forgotten already? You didn’t really think it was going to be that simple, did you? And by the way, seagulls don’t know how to play the violin. I can’t believe you were actually falling for that garbage.
Darian, still facing me, stood up and dusted the sand off her as Mark came up to her from behind, closing in on his embrace. The two of them almost looked happy together as they acknowledged Leo and me. Then they turned out to face the ocean, creating a mirror image of us. And there the four of us stood for a long time, looking out onto that vast ocean. Leo and I, Mark and Darian. Three…two…one…lights and music fade.